Misconceptions about Adoption

Upon starting our own adoption pursuit, I was deeply worried about some things that I soon learned were actually not true at all of adoption. It's funny -- or sad, rather -- how the truth about adoption seems to only be known in the adoption community, and how the widespread misinformation can often prevent people from pursuing adoption themselves. There are tons of blogs and articles and books out there that try to clear up these misconceptions, but it seems that the only people who read them are the people who are already trying to adopt. I hope that anyone reading my blog will be able to learn a little something too, and hopefully do some further research to really understand the reality of adoption.

In the United States, we do not have orphanages filled with children just waiting to be adopted. (Yes, that is still a common belief.) Already born children are placed in foster care (those who are eligible to be adopted are called "waiting children"), and unborn children can be matched with parents who will legally adopt them through "domestic adoption."

Domestic infant adoption is drastically different than it was a generation or two ago. Studies have shown that the hush-hush, secretive type of adoption of the past -- known as "closed adoption" -- is actually not what is best for the child. "Open adoption" -- where there is a relationship between the birth parents, adoptive parents, and the adoptee -- is the preferred choice. That used to scare me, as I'd believed all those lies about birth parents swooping in and stealing the child from the adoptive parents, but upon further research I can see how ridiculous that is. Open adoption allows the adoptee to know his roots, where he came from. It is extremely beneficial in regard to medical history, as children of closed adoptions often have no idea what medical issues can run in their biological family. It is also very important for him to find out exactly why his birth parents placed him for adoption in the first place. Adoptive parents can do their best in trying to assure him that his birth parents did it out of love and yada yada, but it probably comes across the same way as when my mom would tell me I was "so much prettier" than whatever perfect-looking girl I wanted to look like at the time. Even then I knew she was just being nice (and probably believed it herself), but that she was a very biased source whose perspective might not be completely accurate. Hearing the birth parents' side of the story will allow a more confident and healthy view of their adoption, especially when it coincides with what the adoptive parents have been saying. As a parent, one of my favorite reasons to choose an open adoption is the idolization factor. When a birth parent is not in the picture at all, it is easy for the adoptee to create a fantasy that places the birth parent on a pedestal. "My birth mother wouldn't make me eat carrots!" "My birth mother would buy me that expensive dress!" "My birth mother wouldn't make me go to bed early!" But when they know their birth parents, it takes away the false perfection and actually removes some of the possible tension between the adoptee and the adoptive parents. I think it will help out immensely during the adolescent years!

I've already had people trying to discourage us from having an open adoption, and others who have tried to give well-meaning, but faulty advice about how we should do it. Unfortunately, these things were all due to the negative view of birth mothers. I've mentioned some misconceptions about birth mothers before, but sadly that is not the extent of the misinformation about them. I am not at all afraid of our child's birth mother kidnaping our child. If she wanted to parent the child, she would have kept him/her herself! Until the papers are signed, the baby is hers. She has every right to change her mind when she sees her baby's face, and it is understandable that some do. Most states (probably all, though I have not checked) have specific waiting periods before the mother is allowed to relinquish her rights to parent the child, because it is very important that she is committed to placing the baby for adoption without being coerced or forced in any way. Once she signs the papers, she has no legal claim to the baby at all. She cannot change her mind months or years down the road and take the baby back if the legal procedures were followed for the adoption placement. Reputable agencies and adoption attorneys also make sure the birth mother has access to counseling during pregnancy (if she checks into adoption early enough) and for some time after the adoption has taken place. These mothers make a HUGE sacrifice for their babies, and it is important that they are able to deal with the repercussions and grief associated with that in a healthy way. An open adoption can be helpful, as it can reassure the birth mother that she made the right choice by allowing her to see her baby being taken care of. It also makes the hole in her heart a little smaller, as the baby is not completely removed from her life.

There is one last misconception I want to touch on here. I did not know that there was an issue with insensitive adoption language until recently, but there certainly is. Just like it is not ok to call a child "retarded" when he has Downs Syndrome, there are many "no-no" words and phrases in adoption. Biological parents are not "real parents", as biological children are not "real children." A birth parent does not "give up" her child for adoption, she "places" her child for adoption. "Adopted" does not need to be a permanent adjective for the child. (I know I refer to "adopted child" a lot here, but it's to clarify who I am talking about in certain adoption scenarios, and it is not a way I would describe a particular, non-hypothetical child.) My child is my child, whether he is mine through adoption or biological means. I am my child's real mother, even if he has a biological mother as well. Adoption is something that happens to a child, but it does not define them. There is no benefit to constantly pointing it out to them, even if they look nothing like the family they live with. There are wonderful resources out there for adoption sensitive language, and it would be a great thing to teach your children as well.

The more people who know the truth about adoption, the better it is for those involved in adoption. I think a lot more people would adopt if they heard the truth about it, and I think it would cut down on a lot of the shame that birth parents -- and even some adoptees -- feel about their adoptions. Think before you speak, and don't spread faulty information or horror stories you've heard about your cousin in law's grandma's sister's friend who adopted. (Like Mrs. Lynde telling Marilla about the adopted child who put strychnine in the well!)

The Wait

Then Abraham waited patiently, and he received what God had promised. Hebrews 6:15

I have learned that one of the biggest differences between pregnancy and adoption is The Wait. When you are pregnant, you know you have a really good chance of giving birth within a few weeks of your due date. You have no need to fear a year or two passing before finally getting to hold your baby. (I understand that getting pregnant doesn't always come easily and can include quite an excruciating wait as well, so please don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say here.) However, with adoption, there is no due date. When you begin the adoption endeavor, you have no set time of when your baby will arrive. There are plenty of statistics and estimated wait times, but anyone who's stood in line at Disney knows that estimated wait times are not always indicative of actual wait times.

We started our active adoption pursuit in August. If I had gotten a positive pregnancy test at the same time, I would be about halfway through right now. I would be feeling wriggles and kicks and hiccups inside my growing tummy. I would be able to find out if we should buy a blue or pink going home outfit. Instead, I have absolutely no idea where we stand in our adoption. Yes, our home study is complete. Yes, our profile is ready. Yes, we can (and do) pursue potential birth mother situations. But there is no timeline to tell me that anyone will choose us at all, much less when. We could have a baby within days, or we could wait several more months or even years before that happens. That is rather assaulting to my need to plan everything, but I'm learning things.

One thing God has been telling me lately is to stop waiting like someone without Him would wait. I read an article that talks about the negative attitude we can get while waiting for the rainbow after the storm, and I found that it resonated with me far too well. I've caught myself thinking over and over again that we are never going to get a match, no matter how fervently we pray for it, because God has said no to us so many times already. I often get afraid to ask or hope for something that I desperately want, because He told me no when I prayed for Osias to be born healthy or for the miscarriages to not happen. I still struggle to understand how He could say no to such requests, but I choose to trust that His plan exceeds my plans. I can't assume that His past no's mean that is the only answer He is ever going to give me. He loves me and will always do what is best, even if I don't see or understand it.

If He wants me to wait longer than I want to wait (who am I kidding?! I was tired of waiting on the very first day we started this thing!), it is for a good reason. In the meantime, I am praying that He will teach me things during the wait. That all this waiting will make me a more patient and loving mother. That all this waiting will cause me to look to Him instead of at the circumstances around me. That He will be my prize, regardless of our adoption outcome. That I will trust Him with every detail, and that I will believe He fulfills His every promise. If Abraham and Sarah can wait an entire century to have their baby, I'm pretty sure I can wait however long He asks me to.

Autumn

Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act. Psalm 37:7

The Bible repeatedly reminds us to give thanks and pray instead of worrying or being anxious. Unfortunately, that goes completely against my natural inclination, and I often do the latter instead of the former. Worry gets me absolutely nowhere, but I can easily spend hours and hours dwelling on a certain fear or uncertainty and making it into a much larger problem than it was ever intended to be. It makes me want to slap myself for being so dumb, but then I'd probably just worry about that too.

I don't know what the weather is like where you are right now, but it is absolutely lovely here. While we are not far enough north to get the full effect of autumnal magic, several of our trees are covered in leaves in delightful shades of gold and amber. My favorite part of the day is when the sun hits them just right and makes them seem to shine, especially when a little breeze makes a few of them gracefully flutter to the pile of their friends already on the ground. Its silent beauty is powerful and makes my breath stop short in my throat.

All this fall beauty reminds me of the story of Elijah in 1 Kings 19, when God was not in the mighty windstorm, earthquake, or fire but in the sound of a gentle whisper. While a fluttering leaf is not as impressive as a crash of thunder or a wave slapping the shore, there is beauty in its calm. Even though most of us are in the habit of being busy and trying to pack our schedules with productivity and to do lists, I think we all just really want to have peace. To let out a contented sigh as we watch a fire crackling in the fireplace or a gentle ripple on the surface of a lake. I believe that is what God wants for us too, otherwise He wouldn't tell us to sit still and be quiet so much. No wonder we feel so frazzled and overwhelmed all the time!

So even though the holidays often come with tighter schedules, slimmer bank accounts, and longer to-do lists, this is the perfect time of year to stop and reflect on what a glorious King we serve.

(Love is) An Open Door

First of all, I hope your weather has been as fantastic as ours! I absolutely love autumn. Secondly, I received a lovely little email from our case worker the other day...


We are home study approved!!!



It came just around the time I was texting a dear friend how I was feeling discouraged and beginning to question if we would ever get to adopt. The preceding days had been full of doubts and asking God if we had misinterpreted His plan for us. When there's a positive pregnancy test in hand, it is much easier to be confident that He has chosen us to parent a particular child. At the same time, losing three babies already and having a silent pause with our adoption makes it hard to not wonder if He doesn't think we are good enough to have another baby. Insecurities I didn't even know I had started popping up like weeds in a flowerbed.

What if our desire to adopt is just that -- a desire -- and not really what God wants us to be doing?

Even now, it's hard to know for sure, since there is still no baby in our arms, and not even one matched with us on paper. This whole thing is certainly a walk of faith, as each excruciating step seems to open up a new "can of worms" to deal with. However, with this hugely important home study behind us, it is very encouraging to see another door open toward adoption. Once the caseworker sends us our home study, we will be free to apply to multiple agencies who will hopefully be able to open the next door -- the one that leads to our baby's family!

Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we navigate this hectic chapter of our lives. Trying to time an adoption in the middle of a big move, and trying to figure out how to pay for it all is our Goliath right now. We need David's courage and stones more than ever right now.
So David triumphed over the Philistine with only a sling and a stone, for he had no sword. (1 Samuel 17:50)

{On the Soapbox} About Birthmothers

While things have been pretty quiet on this blog lately, I can assure you that life certainly has not been so calm. As my last post mentioned, we will soon be packing up everything we own (after purging/selling/donating a good portion of it) and making yet another big move. Since we first got word of our next location, our moving date has been bumped up a few months, the last of our home study paperwork has been turned in and is waiting for approval, and our family profile has been completed! I have a stack of them just waiting to be sent out the moment we get our home study approved.

The past few weeks have been pretty intense, as the reality of our current situation seems more and more daunting. Moving is always a rather scary and expensive thing, and coupling that with an upcoming rather scary and expensive adoption makes everything seem even more scary and more expensive. We have a LOT of unknowns ahead of us, especially since we don't even know if we will have our baby before we move. That extra person makes a pretty huge impact on how a lot of our decisions will be made. I've found myself getting caught up in our own circumstances a lot more than I should.

So while I alternate between excited anticipation and overwhelming anxiety, I've begun to get emails of potential "situations" from our adoption consultant. "Situations" are notices of expecting families who are considering potential adoptive parents to place their baby with. The first of these emails I received simply broke my heart (and each one since has continued to do so). Not only was the expectant mother in a really hard place, but getting to see her picture and read a little of her story made this whole thing so much more real. It's not the same as picking out a baby doll from a store or choosing a cute puppy from a breeder. These are real people with real problems who need real love. The joy we will have in welcoming a precious baby into our home (or extended stay hotel room, depending on the timing) cannot happen without the broken sadness of the birth family. Giving us their baby is not the extent of their story. They will continue to exist with the empty space the baby will leave behind. We will not be able to forget them regardless of how open or closed our adoption will be. In fact, there have been one or two of these emailed situations that I have not been able to stop thinking about, even though we never even had a chance at adopting their babies. I dream about them. I cry over them in the shower. I pray for them. And while I will probably never actually meet them, their faces are imprinted on my memory. Knowing we could not be matched with a particular one of them (due to our home study approval seeming to take FOREVER), I still found myself checking with the agency to make sure she had found a family to adopt their little one and was thrilled to find out she did.

I know I'm probably not alone in being quick to judge others for their poor life choices, but this process is making me more aware that these poor life choices are always made by people. Hurting people. Broken people. Confused people. Misinformed people. People just like you and me. Contrary to popular belief, these ladies are not rebellious teenagers who are too lazy or too stupid to care for their own children. A lot of them are well out of their teen years, and some of them are even married to the baby's father. But for one reason or another, they don't have the resources or ability to raise their children the way they want to, so they make the selfless and more difficult choice of adoption. Before we started actively pursuing our interest in adoption, I assumed birth mothers were taking the easy way out and abandoning their children out of selfishness. I was so very wrong. They love their babies enough to give them the best chance at life, and that speaks of more courage than I can even imagine. I'm very sorry that I ever looked down on these brave ladies, and I hope our own adoption story can help change some of the common misconceptions many of us had/have had about such things.