Houston, We Have a Baby!

Just a few weeks ago, I wrote a post about the agony of waiting that comes with adoption. What I didn't mention in that post was that I had just sent our family's adoption profile to a prospective birth mother and was anxiously waiting to find out if she would choose us or not. Well, she did!

When Darling and I first agreed to pursue a domestic adoption, we began to pray ceaselessly for our baby, her birth family, and for God's will about the whole thing to be crystal clear to us. I prayed that the birth parents and we would have complete peace about the decisions, and that none of us would have any significant doubt about the match. While it probably sounds rather cliché to say, I knew it was right from the moment I saw the birth mother's name in the subject line of the email from our wonderful adoption consultant. It was a match at first sight on my part. (Darling's too, once he got the scoop.) There were still occasional moments of fear that things wouldn't work out, but I knew all along that this girl was the one who was carrying our baby. Thankfully, that solidified even more when we talked to her on the phone a few days later, and again when we met in person a few days after that. I truly love that woman, and not just because she gave us the sweetest gift in the whole world.

Literally days after our hurried first meeting (which was not supposed to take place until the following week, but the birth mother insisted we meet sooner "just in case"-- thank goodness!), we got word that she was in labor and we did our best to rush to the hospital. By the time we got there, our daughter had arrived! Because our birth mother is so awesome, we hung out with her and the baby for hours and hours those first few days. We all kept saying how perfect and natural the whole situation was, even though adoption isn't really a very natural thing. It's pretty weird to parent a person who just hours before was inside a different woman, but it didn't really feel weird. When I saw the baby for the first time, I knew without a doubt she was my daughter, and I loved her just as much as I did the first time I saw my other kids. I wasn't expecting that part to come so easily or naturally, so it was a welcome relief. I didn't know her at all yet (as opposed to biological kids, whom I'd been able to talk to and feel wiggling around for several months prior), but I loved her completely.

The days that followed were exhausting and stressful and overwhelming. I think some of it was due to all the triggers that took me back to when Osias was in the hospital. There's something about driving away from a hospital without your baby for the first time... It just stinks. In spite of the challenges, everything went pretty smoothly and we ended up with a beautiful and charming little girl!

Because we love our daughter's birth mother and of course our daughter, we have chosen to keep a lot of the details of the adoption private. We just feel like it is not our story to tell, so it will be up to our little girl to decide whether or not she wants to share her birth story when she grows up. And of course her birth mother is free to tell or not tell her side of the story to whomever she'd like. I will say that her birth mother is beautiful and smart, and we are happy to have her in our family now. Any woman who can do what she did is simply amazing, and I will always admire and respect the courage and strength she has shown.

In the meantime, I am loving all the comments from strangers about how great I look for having a newborn. Ha!

The Wait

Then Abraham waited patiently, and he received what God had promised. Hebrews 6:15

I have learned that one of the biggest differences between pregnancy and adoption is The Wait. When you are pregnant, you know you have a really good chance of giving birth within a few weeks of your due date. You have no need to fear a year or two passing before finally getting to hold your baby. (I understand that getting pregnant doesn't always come easily and can include quite an excruciating wait as well, so please don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say here.) However, with adoption, there is no due date. When you begin the adoption endeavor, you have no set time of when your baby will arrive. There are plenty of statistics and estimated wait times, but anyone who's stood in line at Disney knows that estimated wait times are not always indicative of actual wait times.

We started our active adoption pursuit in August. If I had gotten a positive pregnancy test at the same time, I would be about halfway through right now. I would be feeling wriggles and kicks and hiccups inside my growing tummy. I would be able to find out if we should buy a blue or pink going home outfit. Instead, I have absolutely no idea where we stand in our adoption. Yes, our home study is complete. Yes, our profile is ready. Yes, we can (and do) pursue potential birth mother situations. But there is no timeline to tell me that anyone will choose us at all, much less when. We could have a baby within days, or we could wait several more months or even years before that happens. That is rather assaulting to my need to plan everything, but I'm learning things.

One thing God has been telling me lately is to stop waiting like someone without Him would wait. I read an article that talks about the negative attitude we can get while waiting for the rainbow after the storm, and I found that it resonated with me far too well. I've caught myself thinking over and over again that we are never going to get a match, no matter how fervently we pray for it, because God has said no to us so many times already. I often get afraid to ask or hope for something that I desperately want, because He told me no when I prayed for Osias to be born healthy or for the miscarriages to not happen. I still struggle to understand how He could say no to such requests, but I choose to trust that His plan exceeds my plans. I can't assume that His past no's mean that is the only answer He is ever going to give me. He loves me and will always do what is best, even if I don't see or understand it.

If He wants me to wait longer than I want to wait (who am I kidding?! I was tired of waiting on the very first day we started this thing!), it is for a good reason. In the meantime, I am praying that He will teach me things during the wait. That all this waiting will make me a more patient and loving mother. That all this waiting will cause me to look to Him instead of at the circumstances around me. That He will be my prize, regardless of our adoption outcome. That I will trust Him with every detail, and that I will believe He fulfills His every promise. If Abraham and Sarah can wait an entire century to have their baby, I'm pretty sure I can wait however long He asks me to.

(Love is) An Open Door

First of all, I hope your weather has been as fantastic as ours! I absolutely love autumn. Secondly, I received a lovely little email from our case worker the other day...


We are home study approved!!!



It came just around the time I was texting a dear friend how I was feeling discouraged and beginning to question if we would ever get to adopt. The preceding days had been full of doubts and asking God if we had misinterpreted His plan for us. When there's a positive pregnancy test in hand, it is much easier to be confident that He has chosen us to parent a particular child. At the same time, losing three babies already and having a silent pause with our adoption makes it hard to not wonder if He doesn't think we are good enough to have another baby. Insecurities I didn't even know I had started popping up like weeds in a flowerbed.

What if our desire to adopt is just that -- a desire -- and not really what God wants us to be doing?

Even now, it's hard to know for sure, since there is still no baby in our arms, and not even one matched with us on paper. This whole thing is certainly a walk of faith, as each excruciating step seems to open up a new "can of worms" to deal with. However, with this hugely important home study behind us, it is very encouraging to see another door open toward adoption. Once the caseworker sends us our home study, we will be free to apply to multiple agencies who will hopefully be able to open the next door -- the one that leads to our baby's family!

Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we navigate this hectic chapter of our lives. Trying to time an adoption in the middle of a big move, and trying to figure out how to pay for it all is our Goliath right now. We need David's courage and stones more than ever right now.
So David triumphed over the Philistine with only a sling and a stone, for he had no sword. (1 Samuel 17:50)

{On the Soapbox} About Birthmothers

While things have been pretty quiet on this blog lately, I can assure you that life certainly has not been so calm. As my last post mentioned, we will soon be packing up everything we own (after purging/selling/donating a good portion of it) and making yet another big move. Since we first got word of our next location, our moving date has been bumped up a few months, the last of our home study paperwork has been turned in and is waiting for approval, and our family profile has been completed! I have a stack of them just waiting to be sent out the moment we get our home study approved.

The past few weeks have been pretty intense, as the reality of our current situation seems more and more daunting. Moving is always a rather scary and expensive thing, and coupling that with an upcoming rather scary and expensive adoption makes everything seem even more scary and more expensive. We have a LOT of unknowns ahead of us, especially since we don't even know if we will have our baby before we move. That extra person makes a pretty huge impact on how a lot of our decisions will be made. I've found myself getting caught up in our own circumstances a lot more than I should.

So while I alternate between excited anticipation and overwhelming anxiety, I've begun to get emails of potential "situations" from our adoption consultant. "Situations" are notices of expecting families who are considering potential adoptive parents to place their baby with. The first of these emails I received simply broke my heart (and each one since has continued to do so). Not only was the expectant mother in a really hard place, but getting to see her picture and read a little of her story made this whole thing so much more real. It's not the same as picking out a baby doll from a store or choosing a cute puppy from a breeder. These are real people with real problems who need real love. The joy we will have in welcoming a precious baby into our home (or extended stay hotel room, depending on the timing) cannot happen without the broken sadness of the birth family. Giving us their baby is not the extent of their story. They will continue to exist with the empty space the baby will leave behind. We will not be able to forget them regardless of how open or closed our adoption will be. In fact, there have been one or two of these emailed situations that I have not been able to stop thinking about, even though we never even had a chance at adopting their babies. I dream about them. I cry over them in the shower. I pray for them. And while I will probably never actually meet them, their faces are imprinted on my memory. Knowing we could not be matched with a particular one of them (due to our home study approval seeming to take FOREVER), I still found myself checking with the agency to make sure she had found a family to adopt their little one and was thrilled to find out she did.

I know I'm probably not alone in being quick to judge others for their poor life choices, but this process is making me more aware that these poor life choices are always made by people. Hurting people. Broken people. Confused people. Misinformed people. People just like you and me. Contrary to popular belief, these ladies are not rebellious teenagers who are too lazy or too stupid to care for their own children. A lot of them are well out of their teen years, and some of them are even married to the baby's father. But for one reason or another, they don't have the resources or ability to raise their children the way they want to, so they make the selfless and more difficult choice of adoption. Before we started actively pursuing our interest in adoption, I assumed birth mothers were taking the easy way out and abandoning their children out of selfishness. I was so very wrong. They love their babies enough to give them the best chance at life, and that speaks of more courage than I can even imagine. I'm very sorry that I ever looked down on these brave ladies, and I hope our own adoption story can help change some of the common misconceptions many of us had/have had about such things.

Home Visit {Update!}

Our greatly-dreaded home visit happened last night after a few days of panic and anxiety and frantic cleaning. In case you ever find yourself pursuing adoption and agonizing over your home visit, I hope you end up with a caseworker like ours. All the worry was for absolutely nothing, because she was so sweet and so non-judgmental. She didn't even examine the freshly-dusted fan blades or the dog hair that just won't come off the curtains no matter how hard I try! She didn't seem to notice the patch of unshaven hair on my knee that I'd missed that morning in the shower. She didn't cringe when Francesca sneezed on her leg or when Miss Beasley howled in the bathroom when it thundered. She didn't make a stern face and take notes when the kids got out of bed for the fifth time after being told to go to sleep. She didn't even ask questions about some of the questionable aspects of our "self studies." I would like to keep her and make clones of her to place all over the country to lessen the anxiety of adoptive parents everywhere.

After she had left, I was exhausted yet on an ecstatic high from the huge amount of relief I had! While Darling had to go take care of some work-related issues for an hour or so, I indulged my greatly-less-stressed self with a few chapters in another adoption book I'd picked up at the library. Reading story after story from people on both sides of the adoption equation added even more fuel to my adoption fire, and I'm even more excited than ever to move forward with the whole thing. (As opposed to a few days ago when I was questioning if we should even try this after all.) I know the hardest part is probably not behind us yet, but I am thrilled beyond belief at how simple this step turned out to be after all. It gives me hope that the rest of it might not be quite as bad as I expect, and that hopefully we will end up with a roly-poly baby in our arms in the near future.

Tending the Hidden Spaces

I know I said I probably wouldn't be posting anything this week since our home visit is NEXT WEEK (GAH!), but I forgot to take into account the therapeutic effect writing can have on my frazzled nerves and that I can't clean for hours and hours without pause.

I refuse to get too stressed or overwhelmed about any step we take during our adoption, because I know that God is in control and that letting my head go to its crazy place will not be beneficial at all anyway. (I admit I have slipped into freak-out mode a few times, but thankfully God hasn't allowed me to stay there unchecked for long.)  With that, I've been pacing myself with a steady stream of progress taken one baby step at a time. It's probably not the fastest way of getting things done, but it has helped my own state of mind tremendously by maintaining a sense of calm. Slow and steady, slow and steady.

When faced with the prospect of having our home looked at by someone who has the power to deem us fit or unfit to proceed with adoption, a lot of formerly unnoticed imperfections start coming into view. Our house isn't huge by any means, and when you pair a small space with two furry, rapidly-shedding dogs, it's darn near impossible to ever have spotless perfection. That has been a difficult concept for me to grasp, especially when my freshly-vacuumed floor looks like it's gone weeks between cleanings within an hour or two. So.much.dog.hair! I've noticed the excessive amount of fur and slobber (thanks for that, Miss Beasley) on a daily basis, but now I'm also beginning to see random marks on the walls, cobwebs in the super high corners that I can't reach, spots on vases, dust--oh! so much dust!--on the fans and light fixtures, an especially funky smell coming from the garbage disposal, and so on. I always sort of thought I was a neat freak, but I'm beginning to realize that's far from the truth.

While I was standing on a chair and marveling at the disgusting handfuls of dust I was getting off the fan (which is always on, so I have no idea how a perpetually moving object can collect so much dust!) just in case our caseworker demands to see it turned off so she can count the dust specks, I started to think about all the bits of hidden or unnoticed filth in my own heart. This whole concept of opening up our lives to a new child--one we actually have to choose to receive instead of just having it given to us like our biological children--is rather unsettling. It has been stirring up a number of emotions and realizations that I've got many dirty and unworthy areas that need to be cleaned out and spruced up. How can I possibly be good enough to be chosen to raise a precious little one who will need extra assurance of love and acceptance thanks to a painful backstory? How could any birth mother look at us and think we are the ones she wants to give her baby to?

It's easy to make things appear better than what they are, whether it's our home or our family profile or even ourselves, but I don't want to just pretend my way through this. While I want to win the grand prize of a new baby, I don't want to cheat my way through or mislead the birthparents about who we really are just so they'll pick us. We aren't perfect. We aren't mind-bogglingly wealthy or talented. We spend too much time in front of the TV and not enough time getting gnawed on by mosquitoes in the backyard. I'm far from being one of those supermoms who always have a fun and messy craft project to do with their kids. I sometimes get annoyed when I have to stop what I'm doing to hunt for another lost toy or to referee another silly argument, and I get grumpy when they wake me up too early. I'd rather read Jane Austen than that horribly boring book they chose at the library and now want me to read six hundred times (a giant Vidalia onion in overalls, really?!). I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes and sighing when they repeat the same ninja turtles story over and over. I'm pretty darn selfish, and I don't deserve the kids we already have, let alone one that currently belongs to someone else.

I admit that I didn't include any of that in our family profile. Instead, while I'm scrubbing the baseboards and wiping down the counters, I'm asking that God will keep pointing out dirty spots in my heart that I need to let Him clean. That He will make me into exactly the mother all of our children need me to be. And I pray that next time one of my little ones ask me to read a poorly-written book to them or knock on my door at 3am to ask for a drink of water, that my first response would be gratitude for the incredible privilege I have to take care of our children. And a lot of grace, coffee, and wine to get me through the hard days. *wink*

Welcome, September!

I had an adoption update all written up and ready to rest a few days before proof-reading, but then I never went back to edit and post it! So now that one is outdated and will be replaced with whatever this one turns out to be. Sorry to keep you waiting in the midst of overwhelming anticipation like that! (It makes me feel better about my writing if I pretend I'm a well-sought-after author with a huge fan base anticipating my ever word.)

My emotions have been fluctuating a lot lately with this whole adoption thing. I was feeling pretty good about our progress with the home study stuff, then I realized I have to get moving on our family profile (the photo-filled story of our family that will be presented to prospective birth parents once our home study is complete), gathering the extra things required by a few of the agencies we might end up working with, and of course, applying for grants/loans/etc. and trying to raise enough money to pay for everything. All this while already feeling overwhelmed and conflicted about regular stuff going on in life, so I've been a bundle of nerves lately. I've been trying to remind myself to just relax and trust God to handle things in His timing instead of trying to force things into place before their time.

We've all completed our medical evaluations, and Darling and I have gotten one set of fingerprints done. I learned that my fingers are not very cooperative with whatever that machine is called, and I barely have any prints at all. Darling's hands are much better suited for such things. Perhaps I was born to be a cat burglar, but that isn't something that would work out very well with pursuing adoption. Maybe I'll squeeze into a black leather cat suit when I'm ancient, and see if I can steal dentures from friends' nightstands.

Our Amazon link has been getting some use, and has brought in $26 and change in the past month! Thank you to all who have used it and/or shared it, as every bit helps. We have plans for an upcoming yard sale soon, which will hopefully bring in some more funds, and we've been working so hard to avoid eating out. That's a tough one for us, since we love food and are sometimes too lazy to make it ourselves. But $40 or so for a single meal is pretty ridiculous when we are trying to add to our family, so the sacrifice is worth it. Our budget has a lot of fat on it that we could cut, but we have a hard time agreeing on how extreme to go with it. We are planning on taking a final vacation with just the four of us, since some things will be out of the question with a baby in tow, and since we have no idea where we will be living a year from now. I admit that I feel pretty guilty about it, even though I think it will be a good memory-making opportunity for us that we might not have again. I really don't want to be one of those people who asks for financial help while being frivolous with our own money.

The past few weeks have been full of missing our sweet Osias, even though he was already gone this time a year ago. I don't know where the time has gone. We saw the most precious little girl at church the other day, and her adorable wobbly dancing and clinging to/patting her daddy's shoulder was a huge reminder of what we are missing with our precious boy. I try to imagine his little voice babbling and his chubby hands getting into trouble, only to return to the harsh reality that those things will only take place in my imagination. Even the munchkins have been talking a lot about him lately, and I so hate that those conversations usually begin with "I wish Osias didn't have to die." Adopting a baby will probably make us all think of him even more, especially since J has already begun saying, "I really hope this baby doesn't die too." It has given us many opportunities to talk about the uncertainties of life and death, and she is more diligent in her pilgrimage to the "Celestial City" we've been reading about in Little Pilgrim's Progress so she can join her baby brother someday.

Week 2 Progress

Now that we are in the second week of our adoption process (and homeschooling, which means my days have been busy!), I've begun to feel a bit of pressure to make some significant progress. Unfortunately, the to do list is long and rather intimidating at this point, so it's hard to figure out where to start. I decided the most important next step would be to establish some contact with our social worker (the person in charge of our home study, who will ultimately decide whether or not we are "fit" to adopt) to find out what part of the home study we should tackle first. I wish I had called her last week! She was such a sweet, calming person who immediately relieved my fears of a stern, drill sergeant-type person pointing out every single flaw. I was able to ask a lot of questions to figure out what she expects of us and will be looking for, which gives some sense of direction to the whole thing.

I also managed to schedule some of our medical evaluations (basically to find out if we have any communicable diseases or any physical issue that could prevent or affect our ability to parent), set up one of our three background checks (which will be another $200-$300--sheesh!), and knocked out another 6 or 7 pages of paperwork. When Darling got home from work, he completed several pages of his portion of the paperwork too, so we are on a roll!

I finished reading another book about adoption over the weekend, and I've started the next one. I can't remember their titles now, so I'll have to post about them another time. For now, I'm exhausted!

Nesting and Such

As mentioned in my last post, we are now in the early stages of adopting a precious little one into our family! I'm still somewhat in shock that this is actually happening, because it's something that has always been deferred to that obscure "someday" that rarely ever arrives. We went from discussing it as a possibility one day, to printing out about 90 pages of paperwork the next day. Since reading personal accounts of other people's adoption journeys has given me a much better understanding of the process and what to expect along the way, I'd like to share our experience along the way as well. Maybe it will give someone else the courage to pursue adoption for themselves, or maybe it will just help dispel some of the adoption myths that are out there. I'll do my best to be open about even the personal details for this reason, so hopefully none of it seems like oversharing.

Our first step after finding a wonderful consultant to guide us through this unknown territory is to complete our home study. The home study is the process that allows a social worker to determine if we are fit to be adoptive parents, so it's a pretty big deal. And intimidating! It includes that mountain of paperwork I mentioned before, background checks, home visits, interviews, medical evaluations, fingerprints, and copies of pretty much every important document we have ever possessed. They will evaluate our home to see if it is safe enough and clean enough (Is there such a thing?! I'm just going to bleach everything non-porous and scrub everything else to be on the safe side.), which makes me anxious. And the idea of someone else looking into our lives to see if we meet their standard is pretty scary. The very thought of it makes me feel inadequate, even though I can't think of a good reason for them to turn us down. Neither of us have a criminal history or anything, and we have 2 walking, talking bits of evidence that we can be decent parents. But still...!

Darling was on leave this past week, so he took advantage of his time off to finally finish painting our bathroom and updating the light switches and outlet covers (they were that horrid "almond" color before, so his handy self changed them to the much crisper-looking white). I delayed our homeschooling a few hours one day in order to bleach the grout on our kitchen floor. I think it's safe to say we are in full-on nesting mode.

Since we have already invested close to $3000 into this process and have another $1500 or so coming up for the home study, we need to figure out a plan to pay for the whole thing. Once we (hopefully!) pass the home study, our family profile will be shown to prospective birth parents. Our remaining expenses will depend on who we get matched with, as some might have more medical expenses, etc. than others. From what I've read so far, this can be in the $20,000-$30,000 range, but I guess we will find out for sure soon. And of course, we will most likely have to travel to get our baby, which will be another undetermined amount we will be surprised with later. Thankfully, we have a decent amount of savings, but some of that will probably have to go toward our move next year, especially if we can't sell our house first. There are adoption grants that we will be applying for, tax credits that we can take advantage of after the fact, and even low-to-no interest loans that we will use as a last resort. We also are taking advantage of Amazon's affiliate program to raise some money to cushion the blow as well. It allows Amazon shoppers to make their purchases as usual, but a percentage of the purchase will go to our adoption fund!

A lot of people have negative things to say about the high costs associated with adoption, and some even say it is basically "buying a child." While it saddens me that it costs more to adopt a child than it does to abort one, I understand the need to have intense screening processes (all costing money) and legal proceedings (again, more money) in order to protect the child and the families involved. If kids were adopted for the same price as a stray pet in a shelter, many of them would end up abused and neglected. I know that is still a possibility even now, but the extra costs and extensive steps probably deter a lot of ill-meaning people from adopting. I just wish it didn't deter so many good-intentioned people from adopting as well.