Houston, We Have a Baby!

Just a few weeks ago, I wrote a post about the agony of waiting that comes with adoption. What I didn't mention in that post was that I had just sent our family's adoption profile to a prospective birth mother and was anxiously waiting to find out if she would choose us or not. Well, she did!

When Darling and I first agreed to pursue a domestic adoption, we began to pray ceaselessly for our baby, her birth family, and for God's will about the whole thing to be crystal clear to us. I prayed that the birth parents and we would have complete peace about the decisions, and that none of us would have any significant doubt about the match. While it probably sounds rather cliché to say, I knew it was right from the moment I saw the birth mother's name in the subject line of the email from our wonderful adoption consultant. It was a match at first sight on my part. (Darling's too, once he got the scoop.) There were still occasional moments of fear that things wouldn't work out, but I knew all along that this girl was the one who was carrying our baby. Thankfully, that solidified even more when we talked to her on the phone a few days later, and again when we met in person a few days after that. I truly love that woman, and not just because she gave us the sweetest gift in the whole world.

Literally days after our hurried first meeting (which was not supposed to take place until the following week, but the birth mother insisted we meet sooner "just in case"-- thank goodness!), we got word that she was in labor and we did our best to rush to the hospital. By the time we got there, our daughter had arrived! Because our birth mother is so awesome, we hung out with her and the baby for hours and hours those first few days. We all kept saying how perfect and natural the whole situation was, even though adoption isn't really a very natural thing. It's pretty weird to parent a person who just hours before was inside a different woman, but it didn't really feel weird. When I saw the baby for the first time, I knew without a doubt she was my daughter, and I loved her just as much as I did the first time I saw my other kids. I wasn't expecting that part to come so easily or naturally, so it was a welcome relief. I didn't know her at all yet (as opposed to biological kids, whom I'd been able to talk to and feel wiggling around for several months prior), but I loved her completely.

The days that followed were exhausting and stressful and overwhelming. I think some of it was due to all the triggers that took me back to when Osias was in the hospital. There's something about driving away from a hospital without your baby for the first time... It just stinks. In spite of the challenges, everything went pretty smoothly and we ended up with a beautiful and charming little girl!

Because we love our daughter's birth mother and of course our daughter, we have chosen to keep a lot of the details of the adoption private. We just feel like it is not our story to tell, so it will be up to our little girl to decide whether or not she wants to share her birth story when she grows up. And of course her birth mother is free to tell or not tell her side of the story to whomever she'd like. I will say that her birth mother is beautiful and smart, and we are happy to have her in our family now. Any woman who can do what she did is simply amazing, and I will always admire and respect the courage and strength she has shown.

In the meantime, I am loving all the comments from strangers about how great I look for having a newborn. Ha!

The Wait

Then Abraham waited patiently, and he received what God had promised. Hebrews 6:15

I have learned that one of the biggest differences between pregnancy and adoption is The Wait. When you are pregnant, you know you have a really good chance of giving birth within a few weeks of your due date. You have no need to fear a year or two passing before finally getting to hold your baby. (I understand that getting pregnant doesn't always come easily and can include quite an excruciating wait as well, so please don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say here.) However, with adoption, there is no due date. When you begin the adoption endeavor, you have no set time of when your baby will arrive. There are plenty of statistics and estimated wait times, but anyone who's stood in line at Disney knows that estimated wait times are not always indicative of actual wait times.

We started our active adoption pursuit in August. If I had gotten a positive pregnancy test at the same time, I would be about halfway through right now. I would be feeling wriggles and kicks and hiccups inside my growing tummy. I would be able to find out if we should buy a blue or pink going home outfit. Instead, I have absolutely no idea where we stand in our adoption. Yes, our home study is complete. Yes, our profile is ready. Yes, we can (and do) pursue potential birth mother situations. But there is no timeline to tell me that anyone will choose us at all, much less when. We could have a baby within days, or we could wait several more months or even years before that happens. That is rather assaulting to my need to plan everything, but I'm learning things.

One thing God has been telling me lately is to stop waiting like someone without Him would wait. I read an article that talks about the negative attitude we can get while waiting for the rainbow after the storm, and I found that it resonated with me far too well. I've caught myself thinking over and over again that we are never going to get a match, no matter how fervently we pray for it, because God has said no to us so many times already. I often get afraid to ask or hope for something that I desperately want, because He told me no when I prayed for Osias to be born healthy or for the miscarriages to not happen. I still struggle to understand how He could say no to such requests, but I choose to trust that His plan exceeds my plans. I can't assume that His past no's mean that is the only answer He is ever going to give me. He loves me and will always do what is best, even if I don't see or understand it.

If He wants me to wait longer than I want to wait (who am I kidding?! I was tired of waiting on the very first day we started this thing!), it is for a good reason. In the meantime, I am praying that He will teach me things during the wait. That all this waiting will make me a more patient and loving mother. That all this waiting will cause me to look to Him instead of at the circumstances around me. That He will be my prize, regardless of our adoption outcome. That I will trust Him with every detail, and that I will believe He fulfills His every promise. If Abraham and Sarah can wait an entire century to have their baby, I'm pretty sure I can wait however long He asks me to.

Autumn

Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act. Psalm 37:7

The Bible repeatedly reminds us to give thanks and pray instead of worrying or being anxious. Unfortunately, that goes completely against my natural inclination, and I often do the latter instead of the former. Worry gets me absolutely nowhere, but I can easily spend hours and hours dwelling on a certain fear or uncertainty and making it into a much larger problem than it was ever intended to be. It makes me want to slap myself for being so dumb, but then I'd probably just worry about that too.

I don't know what the weather is like where you are right now, but it is absolutely lovely here. While we are not far enough north to get the full effect of autumnal magic, several of our trees are covered in leaves in delightful shades of gold and amber. My favorite part of the day is when the sun hits them just right and makes them seem to shine, especially when a little breeze makes a few of them gracefully flutter to the pile of their friends already on the ground. Its silent beauty is powerful and makes my breath stop short in my throat.

All this fall beauty reminds me of the story of Elijah in 1 Kings 19, when God was not in the mighty windstorm, earthquake, or fire but in the sound of a gentle whisper. While a fluttering leaf is not as impressive as a crash of thunder or a wave slapping the shore, there is beauty in its calm. Even though most of us are in the habit of being busy and trying to pack our schedules with productivity and to do lists, I think we all just really want to have peace. To let out a contented sigh as we watch a fire crackling in the fireplace or a gentle ripple on the surface of a lake. I believe that is what God wants for us too, otherwise He wouldn't tell us to sit still and be quiet so much. No wonder we feel so frazzled and overwhelmed all the time!

So even though the holidays often come with tighter schedules, slimmer bank accounts, and longer to-do lists, this is the perfect time of year to stop and reflect on what a glorious King we serve.

(Love is) An Open Door

First of all, I hope your weather has been as fantastic as ours! I absolutely love autumn. Secondly, I received a lovely little email from our case worker the other day...


We are home study approved!!!



It came just around the time I was texting a dear friend how I was feeling discouraged and beginning to question if we would ever get to adopt. The preceding days had been full of doubts and asking God if we had misinterpreted His plan for us. When there's a positive pregnancy test in hand, it is much easier to be confident that He has chosen us to parent a particular child. At the same time, losing three babies already and having a silent pause with our adoption makes it hard to not wonder if He doesn't think we are good enough to have another baby. Insecurities I didn't even know I had started popping up like weeds in a flowerbed.

What if our desire to adopt is just that -- a desire -- and not really what God wants us to be doing?

Even now, it's hard to know for sure, since there is still no baby in our arms, and not even one matched with us on paper. This whole thing is certainly a walk of faith, as each excruciating step seems to open up a new "can of worms" to deal with. However, with this hugely important home study behind us, it is very encouraging to see another door open toward adoption. Once the caseworker sends us our home study, we will be free to apply to multiple agencies who will hopefully be able to open the next door -- the one that leads to our baby's family!

Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we navigate this hectic chapter of our lives. Trying to time an adoption in the middle of a big move, and trying to figure out how to pay for it all is our Goliath right now. We need David's courage and stones more than ever right now.
So David triumphed over the Philistine with only a sling and a stone, for he had no sword. (1 Samuel 17:50)

Nothing Good

I don't know how people get through the devastations of life without God. I don't know what they cling to, what keeps them going. Even with faith, it is hard to keep moving forward instead of sinking into the perpetual sadness and overwhelming depression. I imagine the suicide rate is high for those who have lost a baby or deal with infertility, because sometimes it feels like there is nothing left to live for.

Psalm 16 reminds us that we have much left to live for. We might have lost someone incredibly precious to us (or the dream of having someone precious to us), but we still have the one good thing that really matters. I regularly have to remind myself that having my babies here with me could not possibly be better than having God's will carried out in my life. It is during these moments that I have to cling to Him and trust in what I cannot see.