Misconceptions about Adoption

Upon starting our own adoption pursuit, I was deeply worried about some things that I soon learned were actually not true at all of adoption. It's funny -- or sad, rather -- how the truth about adoption seems to only be known in the adoption community, and how the widespread misinformation can often prevent people from pursuing adoption themselves. There are tons of blogs and articles and books out there that try to clear up these misconceptions, but it seems that the only people who read them are the people who are already trying to adopt. I hope that anyone reading my blog will be able to learn a little something too, and hopefully do some further research to really understand the reality of adoption.

In the United States, we do not have orphanages filled with children just waiting to be adopted. (Yes, that is still a common belief.) Already born children are placed in foster care (those who are eligible to be adopted are called "waiting children"), and unborn children can be matched with parents who will legally adopt them through "domestic adoption."

Domestic infant adoption is drastically different than it was a generation or two ago. Studies have shown that the hush-hush, secretive type of adoption of the past -- known as "closed adoption" -- is actually not what is best for the child. "Open adoption" -- where there is a relationship between the birth parents, adoptive parents, and the adoptee -- is the preferred choice. That used to scare me, as I'd believed all those lies about birth parents swooping in and stealing the child from the adoptive parents, but upon further research I can see how ridiculous that is. Open adoption allows the adoptee to know his roots, where he came from. It is extremely beneficial in regard to medical history, as children of closed adoptions often have no idea what medical issues can run in their biological family. It is also very important for him to find out exactly why his birth parents placed him for adoption in the first place. Adoptive parents can do their best in trying to assure him that his birth parents did it out of love and yada yada, but it probably comes across the same way as when my mom would tell me I was "so much prettier" than whatever perfect-looking girl I wanted to look like at the time. Even then I knew she was just being nice (and probably believed it herself), but that she was a very biased source whose perspective might not be completely accurate. Hearing the birth parents' side of the story will allow a more confident and healthy view of their adoption, especially when it coincides with what the adoptive parents have been saying. As a parent, one of my favorite reasons to choose an open adoption is the idolization factor. When a birth parent is not in the picture at all, it is easy for the adoptee to create a fantasy that places the birth parent on a pedestal. "My birth mother wouldn't make me eat carrots!" "My birth mother would buy me that expensive dress!" "My birth mother wouldn't make me go to bed early!" But when they know their birth parents, it takes away the false perfection and actually removes some of the possible tension between the adoptee and the adoptive parents. I think it will help out immensely during the adolescent years!

I've already had people trying to discourage us from having an open adoption, and others who have tried to give well-meaning, but faulty advice about how we should do it. Unfortunately, these things were all due to the negative view of birth mothers. I've mentioned some misconceptions about birth mothers before, but sadly that is not the extent of the misinformation about them. I am not at all afraid of our child's birth mother kidnaping our child. If she wanted to parent the child, she would have kept him/her herself! Until the papers are signed, the baby is hers. She has every right to change her mind when she sees her baby's face, and it is understandable that some do. Most states (probably all, though I have not checked) have specific waiting periods before the mother is allowed to relinquish her rights to parent the child, because it is very important that she is committed to placing the baby for adoption without being coerced or forced in any way. Once she signs the papers, she has no legal claim to the baby at all. She cannot change her mind months or years down the road and take the baby back if the legal procedures were followed for the adoption placement. Reputable agencies and adoption attorneys also make sure the birth mother has access to counseling during pregnancy (if she checks into adoption early enough) and for some time after the adoption has taken place. These mothers make a HUGE sacrifice for their babies, and it is important that they are able to deal with the repercussions and grief associated with that in a healthy way. An open adoption can be helpful, as it can reassure the birth mother that she made the right choice by allowing her to see her baby being taken care of. It also makes the hole in her heart a little smaller, as the baby is not completely removed from her life.

There is one last misconception I want to touch on here. I did not know that there was an issue with insensitive adoption language until recently, but there certainly is. Just like it is not ok to call a child "retarded" when he has Downs Syndrome, there are many "no-no" words and phrases in adoption. Biological parents are not "real parents", as biological children are not "real children." A birth parent does not "give up" her child for adoption, she "places" her child for adoption. "Adopted" does not need to be a permanent adjective for the child. (I know I refer to "adopted child" a lot here, but it's to clarify who I am talking about in certain adoption scenarios, and it is not a way I would describe a particular, non-hypothetical child.) My child is my child, whether he is mine through adoption or biological means. I am my child's real mother, even if he has a biological mother as well. Adoption is something that happens to a child, but it does not define them. There is no benefit to constantly pointing it out to them, even if they look nothing like the family they live with. There are wonderful resources out there for adoption sensitive language, and it would be a great thing to teach your children as well.

The more people who know the truth about adoption, the better it is for those involved in adoption. I think a lot more people would adopt if they heard the truth about it, and I think it would cut down on a lot of the shame that birth parents -- and even some adoptees -- feel about their adoptions. Think before you speak, and don't spread faulty information or horror stories you've heard about your cousin in law's grandma's sister's friend who adopted. (Like Mrs. Lynde telling Marilla about the adopted child who put strychnine in the well!)

The Wait

Then Abraham waited patiently, and he received what God had promised. Hebrews 6:15

I have learned that one of the biggest differences between pregnancy and adoption is The Wait. When you are pregnant, you know you have a really good chance of giving birth within a few weeks of your due date. You have no need to fear a year or two passing before finally getting to hold your baby. (I understand that getting pregnant doesn't always come easily and can include quite an excruciating wait as well, so please don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say here.) However, with adoption, there is no due date. When you begin the adoption endeavor, you have no set time of when your baby will arrive. There are plenty of statistics and estimated wait times, but anyone who's stood in line at Disney knows that estimated wait times are not always indicative of actual wait times.

We started our active adoption pursuit in August. If I had gotten a positive pregnancy test at the same time, I would be about halfway through right now. I would be feeling wriggles and kicks and hiccups inside my growing tummy. I would be able to find out if we should buy a blue or pink going home outfit. Instead, I have absolutely no idea where we stand in our adoption. Yes, our home study is complete. Yes, our profile is ready. Yes, we can (and do) pursue potential birth mother situations. But there is no timeline to tell me that anyone will choose us at all, much less when. We could have a baby within days, or we could wait several more months or even years before that happens. That is rather assaulting to my need to plan everything, but I'm learning things.

One thing God has been telling me lately is to stop waiting like someone without Him would wait. I read an article that talks about the negative attitude we can get while waiting for the rainbow after the storm, and I found that it resonated with me far too well. I've caught myself thinking over and over again that we are never going to get a match, no matter how fervently we pray for it, because God has said no to us so many times already. I often get afraid to ask or hope for something that I desperately want, because He told me no when I prayed for Osias to be born healthy or for the miscarriages to not happen. I still struggle to understand how He could say no to such requests, but I choose to trust that His plan exceeds my plans. I can't assume that His past no's mean that is the only answer He is ever going to give me. He loves me and will always do what is best, even if I don't see or understand it.

If He wants me to wait longer than I want to wait (who am I kidding?! I was tired of waiting on the very first day we started this thing!), it is for a good reason. In the meantime, I am praying that He will teach me things during the wait. That all this waiting will make me a more patient and loving mother. That all this waiting will cause me to look to Him instead of at the circumstances around me. That He will be my prize, regardless of our adoption outcome. That I will trust Him with every detail, and that I will believe He fulfills His every promise. If Abraham and Sarah can wait an entire century to have their baby, I'm pretty sure I can wait however long He asks me to.

{On the Soapbox} About Birthmothers

While things have been pretty quiet on this blog lately, I can assure you that life certainly has not been so calm. As my last post mentioned, we will soon be packing up everything we own (after purging/selling/donating a good portion of it) and making yet another big move. Since we first got word of our next location, our moving date has been bumped up a few months, the last of our home study paperwork has been turned in and is waiting for approval, and our family profile has been completed! I have a stack of them just waiting to be sent out the moment we get our home study approved.

The past few weeks have been pretty intense, as the reality of our current situation seems more and more daunting. Moving is always a rather scary and expensive thing, and coupling that with an upcoming rather scary and expensive adoption makes everything seem even more scary and more expensive. We have a LOT of unknowns ahead of us, especially since we don't even know if we will have our baby before we move. That extra person makes a pretty huge impact on how a lot of our decisions will be made. I've found myself getting caught up in our own circumstances a lot more than I should.

So while I alternate between excited anticipation and overwhelming anxiety, I've begun to get emails of potential "situations" from our adoption consultant. "Situations" are notices of expecting families who are considering potential adoptive parents to place their baby with. The first of these emails I received simply broke my heart (and each one since has continued to do so). Not only was the expectant mother in a really hard place, but getting to see her picture and read a little of her story made this whole thing so much more real. It's not the same as picking out a baby doll from a store or choosing a cute puppy from a breeder. These are real people with real problems who need real love. The joy we will have in welcoming a precious baby into our home (or extended stay hotel room, depending on the timing) cannot happen without the broken sadness of the birth family. Giving us their baby is not the extent of their story. They will continue to exist with the empty space the baby will leave behind. We will not be able to forget them regardless of how open or closed our adoption will be. In fact, there have been one or two of these emailed situations that I have not been able to stop thinking about, even though we never even had a chance at adopting their babies. I dream about them. I cry over them in the shower. I pray for them. And while I will probably never actually meet them, their faces are imprinted on my memory. Knowing we could not be matched with a particular one of them (due to our home study approval seeming to take FOREVER), I still found myself checking with the agency to make sure she had found a family to adopt their little one and was thrilled to find out she did.

I know I'm probably not alone in being quick to judge others for their poor life choices, but this process is making me more aware that these poor life choices are always made by people. Hurting people. Broken people. Confused people. Misinformed people. People just like you and me. Contrary to popular belief, these ladies are not rebellious teenagers who are too lazy or too stupid to care for their own children. A lot of them are well out of their teen years, and some of them are even married to the baby's father. But for one reason or another, they don't have the resources or ability to raise their children the way they want to, so they make the selfless and more difficult choice of adoption. Before we started actively pursuing our interest in adoption, I assumed birth mothers were taking the easy way out and abandoning their children out of selfishness. I was so very wrong. They love their babies enough to give them the best chance at life, and that speaks of more courage than I can even imagine. I'm very sorry that I ever looked down on these brave ladies, and I hope our own adoption story can help change some of the common misconceptions many of us had/have had about such things.

Home Visit {Update!}

Our greatly-dreaded home visit happened last night after a few days of panic and anxiety and frantic cleaning. In case you ever find yourself pursuing adoption and agonizing over your home visit, I hope you end up with a caseworker like ours. All the worry was for absolutely nothing, because she was so sweet and so non-judgmental. She didn't even examine the freshly-dusted fan blades or the dog hair that just won't come off the curtains no matter how hard I try! She didn't seem to notice the patch of unshaven hair on my knee that I'd missed that morning in the shower. She didn't cringe when Francesca sneezed on her leg or when Miss Beasley howled in the bathroom when it thundered. She didn't make a stern face and take notes when the kids got out of bed for the fifth time after being told to go to sleep. She didn't even ask questions about some of the questionable aspects of our "self studies." I would like to keep her and make clones of her to place all over the country to lessen the anxiety of adoptive parents everywhere.

After she had left, I was exhausted yet on an ecstatic high from the huge amount of relief I had! While Darling had to go take care of some work-related issues for an hour or so, I indulged my greatly-less-stressed self with a few chapters in another adoption book I'd picked up at the library. Reading story after story from people on both sides of the adoption equation added even more fuel to my adoption fire, and I'm even more excited than ever to move forward with the whole thing. (As opposed to a few days ago when I was questioning if we should even try this after all.) I know the hardest part is probably not behind us yet, but I am thrilled beyond belief at how simple this step turned out to be after all. It gives me hope that the rest of it might not be quite as bad as I expect, and that hopefully we will end up with a roly-poly baby in our arms in the near future.

Week 2 Progress

Now that we are in the second week of our adoption process (and homeschooling, which means my days have been busy!), I've begun to feel a bit of pressure to make some significant progress. Unfortunately, the to do list is long and rather intimidating at this point, so it's hard to figure out where to start. I decided the most important next step would be to establish some contact with our social worker (the person in charge of our home study, who will ultimately decide whether or not we are "fit" to adopt) to find out what part of the home study we should tackle first. I wish I had called her last week! She was such a sweet, calming person who immediately relieved my fears of a stern, drill sergeant-type person pointing out every single flaw. I was able to ask a lot of questions to figure out what she expects of us and will be looking for, which gives some sense of direction to the whole thing.

I also managed to schedule some of our medical evaluations (basically to find out if we have any communicable diseases or any physical issue that could prevent or affect our ability to parent), set up one of our three background checks (which will be another $200-$300--sheesh!), and knocked out another 6 or 7 pages of paperwork. When Darling got home from work, he completed several pages of his portion of the paperwork too, so we are on a roll!

I finished reading another book about adoption over the weekend, and I've started the next one. I can't remember their titles now, so I'll have to post about them another time. For now, I'm exhausted!

Nesting and Such

As mentioned in my last post, we are now in the early stages of adopting a precious little one into our family! I'm still somewhat in shock that this is actually happening, because it's something that has always been deferred to that obscure "someday" that rarely ever arrives. We went from discussing it as a possibility one day, to printing out about 90 pages of paperwork the next day. Since reading personal accounts of other people's adoption journeys has given me a much better understanding of the process and what to expect along the way, I'd like to share our experience along the way as well. Maybe it will give someone else the courage to pursue adoption for themselves, or maybe it will just help dispel some of the adoption myths that are out there. I'll do my best to be open about even the personal details for this reason, so hopefully none of it seems like oversharing.

Our first step after finding a wonderful consultant to guide us through this unknown territory is to complete our home study. The home study is the process that allows a social worker to determine if we are fit to be adoptive parents, so it's a pretty big deal. And intimidating! It includes that mountain of paperwork I mentioned before, background checks, home visits, interviews, medical evaluations, fingerprints, and copies of pretty much every important document we have ever possessed. They will evaluate our home to see if it is safe enough and clean enough (Is there such a thing?! I'm just going to bleach everything non-porous and scrub everything else to be on the safe side.), which makes me anxious. And the idea of someone else looking into our lives to see if we meet their standard is pretty scary. The very thought of it makes me feel inadequate, even though I can't think of a good reason for them to turn us down. Neither of us have a criminal history or anything, and we have 2 walking, talking bits of evidence that we can be decent parents. But still...!

Darling was on leave this past week, so he took advantage of his time off to finally finish painting our bathroom and updating the light switches and outlet covers (they were that horrid "almond" color before, so his handy self changed them to the much crisper-looking white). I delayed our homeschooling a few hours one day in order to bleach the grout on our kitchen floor. I think it's safe to say we are in full-on nesting mode.

Since we have already invested close to $3000 into this process and have another $1500 or so coming up for the home study, we need to figure out a plan to pay for the whole thing. Once we (hopefully!) pass the home study, our family profile will be shown to prospective birth parents. Our remaining expenses will depend on who we get matched with, as some might have more medical expenses, etc. than others. From what I've read so far, this can be in the $20,000-$30,000 range, but I guess we will find out for sure soon. And of course, we will most likely have to travel to get our baby, which will be another undetermined amount we will be surprised with later. Thankfully, we have a decent amount of savings, but some of that will probably have to go toward our move next year, especially if we can't sell our house first. There are adoption grants that we will be applying for, tax credits that we can take advantage of after the fact, and even low-to-no interest loans that we will use as a last resort. We also are taking advantage of Amazon's affiliate program to raise some money to cushion the blow as well. It allows Amazon shoppers to make their purchases as usual, but a percentage of the purchase will go to our adoption fund!

A lot of people have negative things to say about the high costs associated with adoption, and some even say it is basically "buying a child." While it saddens me that it costs more to adopt a child than it does to abort one, I understand the need to have intense screening processes (all costing money) and legal proceedings (again, more money) in order to protect the child and the families involved. If kids were adopted for the same price as a stray pet in a shelter, many of them would end up abused and neglected. I know that is still a possibility even now, but the extra costs and extensive steps probably deter a lot of ill-meaning people from adopting. I just wish it didn't deter so many good-intentioned people from adopting as well.

A Special Announcement!

I've mentioned before that Darling and I had discussed the possibility of adoption, and decided to remain open to the idea of it "in the future." I recently finished reading The Spirit of Adoption: Winning the Battle for the Children [affiliate link] by Randy Bohlender, which got me thinking about it even more. (It's a fantastic book, and I highly recommend reading it!) I guess my thinking about it more turned into talking about it more, because we soon reopened the discussion about whether or not adoption was right for us. While I had always envisioned adopting internationally, Darling had some valid concerns about it that made it seem like a good idea...but just not right now. After reading Bohlender's book, my heart was more open to the idea of domestic adoption, which is what Darling had been pushing for all along. I started doing more research into it, and we finally discovered that we were on the same page at last.

We recently contacted an adoption consultant to find out if pursuing adoption at this time is even possible with a strong likelihood of moving to a different state sometime next year. She answered our questions and gave us a better understanding of the whole thing, so WE ARE GOING TO ADOPT A BABY!!! (Sorry for "yelling", but I'm so flipping excited!!!)

Our first and most time-consuming step is the dreaded home study, where we submit a mountain of paperwork about ourselves and have home visits and interviews to determine if we are fit to adopt. (Please say yes!) Please keep us in your prayers during the coming months, as we deal with whatever challenges and financial hurdles that lay ahead. And don't forget to pray for the birth parents, as they probably have a lot of difficulties to deal with as well. ♥

Why Rainbows?

Why "In Pursuit of Rainbows"? I guess my blog's title could be rather misleading, since the term "rainbow baby" exists. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a miscarriage or loss, "the theory being that the beauty of the rainbow does not mean the storm and the devastation never happened, but that something beautiful and full of light has emerged from the darkness." (Original source of definition unknown.) I love that description, and I think it's wonderful when women get the opportunity to have and keep their rainbow babies.

This blog, however, isn't limited to the idea of adding that sort of rainbow to our family. (So don't get too excited, family and friends!) I'm not opposed to the idea, and I might actually use this blog as a way to record our adoption journey if that's where God leads us. My desire to be "in pursuit of rainbows" is actually to intentionally move through the storms and to consciously seek after God's will. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose." That good, whatever form it may take, is the kind of rainbow I'm chasing. I want to want what He wants for me! 

I love the lyrics to the hymn by George Matheson called "O Love that Will Not Let Me Go," and its sister hymn "It Is Well with My Soul" by Horatio G Spafford. Even though I'm not particularly fond of the typical organ-playing and dull tempos of hymns, the lyrics are often incredibly beautiful and have helped encourage me during the most challenging seasons of my life. In the modern fashion of creating new words by meshing two words together, I could say they're "hymnspirational." The line "I trace the rainbow through the rain" is what this blog is all about, as we long for when that morn shall tearless be!

Adoption

So Darling and I had "The Talk" tonight. Well, one of many anyway. Perhaps you've had one like it -- you know, the one about adoption? For as long as I can remember (probably about the same time I was reading Louisa May Alcott's Little Men or Jo's Boys or some other orphan-themed book), I've wanted to adopt. My preferred method of adoption has changed through the years, from a domestic adopted-orphan-filled home (a la Plumfield) to special needs children from other countries, but adoption has clung to my heart just the same.

There's something almost magical about the idea of a family being brought together over huge distances. Strangers becoming relatives with a mountain of paperwork and wait times that would vex a saint. Children without parents filling the child-shaped hole in their adoptive parents' hearts. It's beautiful and heartwarming.

Adoption, like everything else, has a dark side as well. Every adoption begins with a loss, usually the loss of parents (or the abandonment by them) for the child. This can extend to the loss of their homeland and culture as well, depending on if and how they are adopted. And perhaps even more sadly, the number of children in need of adoptive families far outnumbers the families willing or able to adopt. I don't even want to know how many children age out of the system without ever having a permanent home or family to love them and guide them. If you ever need a good cry, look up the list of children waiting to be adopted in your area and slowly scroll through the photos of these precious, unclaimed kids.

Darling isn't much of a reader, which is probably why adoption was never something he really considered before I came into the picture. I will say he has become more open to the idea than when I first sprung the idea on him years ago, but it's still something he's hesitant about. I think his fears are the same ones that keep so many families from adopting; he wonders if he could really love someone else's child as his own. Could we really offer them something better than they could get with anyone else? How could we even afford it?

Even if we were to adopt, we wouldn't begin the actual process for at least another year. We will most likely be moving to a different state around then, and from what I've read, the process can change from state to state. And there's really no point in paying for a home study here when the child probably wouldn't ever live here anyway. So I guess "The Talk" basically resulted in the agreement to defer any definite action until we have a clearer picture of our near future. In the meantime, I've been praying about it a lot, crying over countless photos of waiting children, and trying to read up on whatever I can to get better prepared for the possibility.

If you have adopted (domestically or internationally) or are in the process of adoption, what resources have been the most help to you? Leave a comment to let me know!